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An Intimate Conversation with the Sass Dragons

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photo courtesy of the Sass Dragon's myspace page

photo courtesy of the Sass Dragon's myspace page

The Sass Dragons are a punk rock band from the suburbs of Chicago. The Sass Dragons are Mike Oberland, Jimmy Adamson, and Jason Smith. They recently relocated to the city, and are about to celebrate their fifth anniversary as a band. I sat down with them in the beginning of March to reminisce about their oeuvre. (Warning- the following is lude, crude, and incredibly immature.)

Kelly Reaves: How did the band form?

Jason Smith: On a damp locker room floor.

Jimmy Adamson: My dad cummed in my mom’s vagina. Jason’s dad cummed in his mom’s vagina. And Mike’s mom…

Mike Oberland: My mom came in my dad’s ass.

Jimmy: Exactly.

Jason: Mike was adopted.

Jimmy: He was a true ass baby.

Kelly: What is your mission as a band?

Mike: I don’t think we really have a mission. We want to have fun.

Jimmy: Free Baghdad.

Kelly: Have you been helping with that?

Jimmy: We support our troops. Wholeheartedly.

Jason: We support our poops.

Kelly: Can you tell me about your most memorable shows?

Jason: Our most memorable shows are the ones that are told back to us. Everyone’s like, “You got naked and you were telling everyone to go fuck themselves and you threw a beer bottle at the wall…”

Mike: I threw a bass at Jimmy’s head one time and I vaguely remember that. That’s probably one of our most memorable.

Jason. You punched Jimmy too and then I threw Mike over a bass cabinet and I said the band was broken up.

Mike: We broke up for four hours.

Kelly: When was that?

Jimmy: 2006 in Carbondale at the “Lost Cross.” I was too drunk to play and Mike got upset about it.

Mike: Part of the reason is because when we were driving down I told them that ‘if anyone gets too drunk to play tonight I’m going after you’ and sure as shit Jimmy’s got his little stupid grin on his face the whole time we’re playing.

Jason: Well what made it worse is that we went on the first time and we were too drunk to play and the guy said, “Well maybe you guys shouldn’t play right now, you should sober up and play a little later.”

Jimmy: That’s after Mike punched me off the drum set.

Jason: Mike punches Jimmy off the drum stool and I figure that we are broken up and we won’t play that night, so I kept drinking. We got wasted as shit and then they came back to us three hours later and said “ok now you guys are playing” and I’m like ‘this is not happening.’ And all of us are staring at the floor, wasted drunk, trying to play.

Jimmy: I made out with a girl.

Jason: Then he peed in the bed.

Kelly: Do you prefer basement shows or traditional music venues?

Jimmy: Basement shows.

Jason: Basement shows.

Mike: Hands down.

Jimmy: Hands down.

Jason: As long as they pay us.

Kelly: Basement shows pay?

Mike: We did a whole tour of basement shows.

Jimmy: They paid 280 dollars in a basement in New Brunswick.

Jason: Basement shows actually paid us better than traditional venue shows because the traditional venues have limitations on how many people can fit inside and they have to pay the bouncers and the bartenders and everything. Not that that’s the most important thing.

Mike: It’s about the cash money.

Jason: It’s about having your nuts nailed and stapled to a chair.

Kelly: What is your favorite Chicago area band?

Jimmy: The Brokedowns.

Jason: A close call for between The Brokedowns and The Arrivals.

Mike: Vacation Bible School.

Jimmy: Bread and Bottle, Das Capital.

Mike: Every band we play with is my favorite band, that’s why we always have so much fun.

Kelly: What is your favorite Sass Dragons song?

Jimmy: Jeremy.”

Jason: By Pearl Jam. Actually I was gonna say “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong” by the Spin Doctors.

Kelly: What does it feel like to be a rock star?

Jimmy: It feels great! But sometimes it’s really dark and lonely.

Mike: It’s lonely at the top.

Jimmy: After a night of doing cocaine and fucking a million girls, then you wake up alone in your bed and it kind of sucks.

Mike: The million girls part sounds awesome.

Jimmy: Yeah it’s awesome until-

Mike: Until you can’t get it up, Jimmy.

Jimmy: Not getting it up to have sex is the best part of being a rock star.

Kelly: Do you have any crazy fan stories?

Jason: One time I got asked out by a sixteen-year-old girl. Jimmy got a hand job in front of everybody.

Jimmy: She was crazy.

Jason: She was kind of ugly. But I don’t know about crazy fans, I think we’re usually the crazy ones. Everyone tells us to get naked and then when we do, they seem unimpressed. I would love it if people actually loved us enough to take their clothes off. Especially babes.

Kelly: You’ve never had panties thrown at you?

Mike: We’ve worn more panties than we’ve ever had thrown at us.

Jason: We’ve worn more dresses than we’ve seen worn at a show. And we’ve seen more penises than I’ve ever seen vagina in my entire life. Women don’t come to shows thinking ‘I’m gonna show my vagina’ they come to shows thinking ‘I’m gone look at everyone’s penis getting thrown around and then I’m gonna decide which one I’m gonna go home with.’ And it’s usually not one of us because we all have small dicks.

Kelly: You said earlier that you have big dicks.

Jason: I have a wide dick. Mike has a long dick. Jimmy has a tiny dick.

Kelly: Are there lucky ladies in your lives?

Mike: Mine’s pretty unlucky but she’s still there.

Jason: I’m married.

Jimmy: I have that random unlucky lady in my life.

Kelly: What are your types?

Jimmy: When I’m drunk I don’t like white chicks.

Kelly: How do you write songs?

Jason: Carefully.

Mike: Diligently. Most of the ideas are from Jason, but we all do it. Someone gets an idea and brings it to the rest of us.

Kelly: Do the lyrics come after the songs are written?

Jason: They’re written at the same time.

Jimmy: I rip off Screeching Weasel songs.

Jason: I rip off Paul McCartney.

Mike: I listen to Lionel Ritchie.

Kelly: What’s the worst show you ever played?

Mike: There have been some stinkers.

Jimmy: Any show in Milwaukee.

Kelly: What’s the worst Sass Dragons song?

Jimmy: Cuttin’ Grass.

Jason: No offense to Josh. We used to be a four piece and he wrote Cuttin’ Grass and it’s a pretty bad song. All of them are pretty bad.

Kelly: Do you play old songs live?

Mike:  Older songs.

Jimmy: We play old schlongs live.

Jason: We don’t play anything off the first two albums. We’ve got about sixty songs to filter through. There are a few that we never play live, and there are a few that we can’t play live because we’re not that talented, like ‘Ass Scorpions.’

Kelly: What’s your most popular song?

Jimmy: ‘I Whooped My Grandma’s Ass’ is pretty popular right now.

Kelly: Who writes lyrics?

Jimmy: All of us. Plus some others.

Kelly: What are your influences?

Mike: Pussy. Big hairy pussy.

Kelly: What are your day jobs?

Mike: I walk dogs.

Jimmy: I have night jobs.

Kelly: What are your night jobs?

Jimmy: I make pizzas and sandwiches.

Jason: I work at a hotel.

Kelly: What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Jason: Heroin.

Jimmy: Smoking crack with a fifty two year old lady. It was a long time ago, I’m a better person now.

Jason: Actually I have no regrets.

Mike: Technically when we were all drunk and we were jumping off that rock at the quarry. We could’ve really gotten hurt.

Kelly: Do you have insurance?

Mike: No.

Jimmy: No.

Jason: I do, because of my wife.

Kelly: That’s why people get married, right?

Jason: And steady pussy.

Jimmy: We were in Bloomington and we decided to jump off forty-foot cliffs into a quarry.

Mike: Jimmy got a bunch of water up his ass. It was fun though.

Jason: But looking back I can’t believe we did it.

Kelly: What’s your favorite city to play in?

Jimmy: Milwaukee.

Jason: For the record, fuck Milwaukee.

Mike: Carbondale has been good to us.

Jason: When we first started we couldn’t get a show to save our lives and Carbondale was the only city that cared enough to see us. Even our friends in Chicago didn’t come out in the beginning because they thought we were just a short-lived thing.

Kelly: Now it’s been five years, so you showed them.

Jason: Naperville was always pretty good.

Kelly: Are you all from Naperville?

Jason: Around there.

Kelly: Why did you move to the city?

Mike: Somebody was going to get arrested soon. Every house we ever lived in out there had some sort of reputation. We would move out and people would complain, “Why is there a hole in the roof? Why are there strippers’ baby wipes stapled to the wall?”

Jason: We all commuted out here all the time anyway.

Mike: I didn’t want to have to drive a car everyday.

Kelly: What’s the gayest thing you’ve ever done?

Jason: Had my dick sucked by a dude.

Jimmy: Yeah that’s it.

Mike: That’s it, collectively. But we’ve all kissed all sorts of dudes.

Jimmy: I tried to stick a microphone up my butt.

Kelly: Is that gay?

Jimmy: No it’s not! Scratch that from the record.

Jason: It’s just gross. Being gay though means that Jesus frowns upon you.

Kelly: What do your parents think of the Sass Dragons?

Mike: Thankfully, my parents aren’t good with computers so they have no idea.

Jason: My parents do not like it at all. There are naked pictures of me and my friends on the Internet.

Kelly: Have your parents seen you play live?

Jimmy: Mine have.

Jason: Jimmy’s parents have been to the most shows out of all of them. I’ve explicitly told my parents they’re not allowed to come to shows.

Kelly: What’s your favorite thing about playing shows?

Mike: Seeing Jimmy’s penis. And, it’s just fun.

Jimmy: I like seeing people be happy and smile.

Jason: I’ve never found it more endearing than to be in front of a giant crowd of people I mostly know who are heckling me and throwing beer cans at me.

Jimmy: I like when Jason fights people.

Kelly: Is Jason the most aggressive out of you guys?

Jimmy: Yes.

Kelly: What are your goals for the future?

Jimmy: Drink more beers, smoke more cigs.

Jason: I personally want to do some PCP before I die.

Kelly: How has the music evolved over the years?

Mike: It hasn’t.

Jimmy: It hasn’t. Next question.

Kelly: How did you each loose you virginity?

Mike: Mine’s super un-eventful. I thought a beam of light was going to come down and shine on the two of us but it didn’t happen, I just got some blood on my boxers. And I didn’t come because her mom came home. I just put the condom and the boxers in a bag and threw them in a ditch because I couldn’t bring them back to my parents’ house.

Jimmy: I lost mine Christmas Eve while listening to the Dwarves.

Jason: I lost mine in a field next to a playground. My girlfriend tried to pull a blanket up but it kept on falling off of us. Kids came by with flashlights to hassle us.

Kelly: What’s the worst disease you could get?

Jason: Everything I do revolves around my dick. Anything that involves my dick falling off.

Jimmy: I’ll go on the record and say the worst disease you could ever have is kids.

Jason: I agree.

Mike: I agree.

Kelly: We were speaking about the advantages of “hate-fucking” earlier- can you each tell me who you’d most like to hate-fuck?

Jimmy: My Dad.

Jason: Kevin Spacey in…

Mike: K-Pax?

Jason: No, American Beauty.

Mike: I’d like to hate fuck that guy who filmed the plastic bag.

 

photo courtesy of the Sass Dragon's Myspace page

photo courtesy of the Sass Dragon's Myspace page

 

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